After the Rain

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but by the Spirit.

Maybe the rain has blinded me. I have not thanked you for a very long time. Perhaps not even giving you much thought for so long. Forgive me for neglecting you.

I realised that I'm fair-weathered. I cling on to you and your precepts only in the rain. Your umbrella is a extended canopy that blocks out all my troubles; and you are the Lord Almighty. But I've forsaken you when the storm is gone. I act pai kia, act rough, begin delighting in crude jokes, use vulgarities, play around like there's no tomorrow... i know it seems okay with everyone else, no one really cares; in fact it seems that a well of pressure around which continuously circulates, carrying all sorts of bad habits which i willingly and foolishly absorb and integrate with my being.

No God. I know i was not made to live life like that. You told me time and time again from your word, that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

You told me Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

You told me Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

You told me Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see you.

You told me Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

You told me Blessed are those who are persecuted, because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

But i am none of these which you said. I have heard, but clearly i have not listened. And I am filled with remorse.

I thank You Lord for pulling me through all the winds and the torrential rain. Promos are over. There's a whole road ahead of me. Thank you for helping me get back in the swing of things for canoeing. Thank you for giving me a great family and good friends. Mom told me that my eldest uncle was exploiting his eldest son, getting him to work in the hawker stall and taking most of his earnings. What kind of father is that? And yet, my own father, is working everyday from 9-9, striving hard to support the family. God, thank you for giving me such a great dad and mom, and a close knit family which i never appreciated. Thank you for all the things physical. Thank you for being my guide in life, thank you for blessing me thus much.

Contrite.

35 more days

First, i'm compelled to say that i'm sorry. I really did many things which were wrong and completely detestable this week. I'm really sorry God. It's something i tell myself to seek but i do not actively perform. What must I do? Holy Spirit please teach me and guide me.

It's been a week since i've properly sat down calmly to take stock of the great things you've done for me. Let's see.
Thanks for sustaining me through last saturday's duathlon. Couldn't have done it without you Lord; and I am grateful for the unexpected result, really glad that you do pull pleasant surprises here and there. Really thank you for all the friends and teachers who have offered to support me through this study time although I am so unresponsive and inattentive during lessons, even being the blockhead that i am. I'm not that category of person who would have an innate aptitude for studying; my persona does not adhere to the rigorous academic lifestyle. So help me Father. I'm placing my trust in you. It's just 35 more days to go.

Dazed, Overwhelmed, but Joyful

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Matthew 5:43 - 48

I realised today. Showing care to those who hate you, and those whom you do not really like to a degree, really works. People! Pay attention to Jesus! See! It has been tried, tested and proven.

Peaceable

13

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.

"Psalm 13 - of King David"

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?

For I am a wretched man, fighting the sin within.
Day by day I struggle.
Day by day I try my best;
To make peace with men,
To serve my friends,
To care for the people around me.

But alas, I am left alone.
My enemies persecute me;
They are without reason.
My friends desert me;
How can they take delight in my shame.

Behind the smile which masks the pain,
the mask which is about to break;
I cry out to you, O Lord.
For nobody understands,
For nobody really cares,
No one but you, O Father.

Forgive me my sins and inequities,
For I have been a judge, and a slanderer.
This I do not refute.
But rescue me from all these,
For I can bear it no longer.
How long will they continue hurting me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.

"The Lord hears my Prayer."

Dejected and Rejected

Nadir

I cry out to the Lord with my voice; with my voice to the Lord I make my supplication.
I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare before Him my trouble.
When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then You knew my path. In the way in which i walk they have secretly set a snare for me.
Look on my right hand and see, for there is no one who acknowledges me; refuge has failed me; no one cares for my soul.
I cried out to You, O Lord; I said, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.
Attend to my cry, for I am brought very low; deliver me from my persecutors, for they are stronger than I.
Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise Your name; the righteous shall surround me for You shall deal bountifully with me."

- Psalm 142

People find it easy to thank God whenever good things happen to them. Even when unfortunate things happen, people will still find it imperative that despite the problems God is still there for them, that it's still worth being grateful for.

It's not as though my life has been ruined. It's just that under the present circumstances life is not proceeding the way I want it to proceed. Is that in any respect, a demerit, or a suffering on my part? God forbid that i should continually perceive it in that way. Rather i thank You, God, for it has been in my troubles, it has been in my numerous thoughts, it has been in my heartfelt confessions that i discover that actually i have numerous friends and my family around me who truly are concerned, who truly care, the same people who i have taken for granted, the same people i have neglected, in my own selfish pursuit of how i want my life to be. In this process, i have cast you aside as well.

I'm sorry Lord. I'm sorry buddies, I'm sorry pals, I'm sorry my friends. I have let you down. Please forgive me.

I'm not thanking you for my misery God. This misery within my heart that surfaces now and then, that tugs on my heartstrings thus hard and painfully. But I do thank you for the realization of the better things, even as i come face to face with my troubles.

Have been accompanied by headaches the past few days. Try my best to bear with the pain, even though it was excruciating, especially since I had much jawbone and cranium movement following Gengyu and Alex's jokes. You guys may be full of shit, but I thank God that under that facade of laughs and teases, you are actually good friends who know when to cheer me up, when to be tactful. But Alex, you are still full of shit.

Studies are a worry. I told myself to concentrate and fight again for my academics. With all the emotional and mental tumult, along with the physical exhaustion from staying up late from Othello rehearsals, slaving out in the gym, cardio in the pool, I have no idea how I'm even going to pull through. Help God. Econs, Chemistry, Project Work, Math, Biology. God, i am at a lost.

A few days back two people i hardly know come to me and threaten me with physical harm and provoke me emotionally with death. You know who you are, and God knows. I do not know what I have done to deserve this. Indeed i have done nothing. And still you treat me unfairly as such, and harshly too. Why? Are you out of your mind? Do you not have other things to tend to? On what pretext do you detest me? Because you wrongly accused me of wronging your friend? Because i am a canoeist? I do not know. Neither do you owe me an explanation. May God deal with you as he pleases.

Today i was pondering over a relationship which i think cannot be salvaged. I just wanted us to be good friends, but for some reason I am but a sheet of transparent glass? Are you really thinking that way? Am i being overly sensitive? I have no idea, but by the look of things and by the status of matters, I am forced to reach this uninviting, unpleasant conclusion, a conclusion which, given a choice, i do not want to make. Shall i even talk to you about this? Perhaps you may think we even have nothing to talk about. Indeed. A person like myself will not have anything worth talking about.

I feel miserable. Yet God i thank you for being there for me. I know that even if the world falls and every other support collapses, even when my friends and family fail me, you'll be there. In good times and bad. Thank you.
You don't have to reaffirm me about this, because I know. I do sound really emo.

Downtrodden

What shall i say ...

Let me be that friend to laugh with when you're happy, to talk to when you're down, that shoulder you can always lean on.

I really hope you're reading this.

The first time you stepped into the class, I did not even notice. Perhaps the first time we properly met, was when the class elected their GP rep. We exchanged few words.

We gradually got to talk, and talking to you was like talking to a long lost friend. I never felt happier talking to any other girl before.

And I realised one weekend that I liked you.

I was so relieved to see you again on Monday.

Going to school would have more meaning.

And so I told you what I felt.

ARGH I know this is sounding really dramatic and emo.

And it's been a while.



Having supper with you the other day reinforced in me the thought that I don't have to hold your hand, go out on dates with you or whisper you sweet nothings to be happy. I am more than content just being your friend.

I can't read your mind. I no longer understand how you're perceiving things now. But I do know, that I don't want you to be feeling uncomfortable about this thing any longer. I really just hope that we'll just be great friends from now on, friends who will be able to talk about anything, friends who can laugh cry joke (and eat supper) together. Please don't resent me or feel awkward, because you don't have to.

I want you to know that.

And I really thank God for a friend like you.

I'm Trying not to be

Fearless

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

- 2 Timothy 4:7

You leave the pontoon, with the rest of your teammates cheering you on. You know they have high hopes on you. Your heart beats erratically with the flurry of emotions surging through you; you tell yourself not to be anxious, not to be afraid, not to feel challenged, you earnestly remind yourself over and over again.

The sky is the least inviting, the water is choppy, and the wind is strong. Yet these are not the least on your mind. Your mind is on the race to come. It is the race, which you have prepared so long and so hard for. The wind caresses your arm, and you feel the droplets land sparsely on yourself, as the paddle surges through the water, and up, recover, through the water, up, recover...

It's your turn, as you slow down. You prepare to enter your lane, your heart beating harder than before. You know you are part of it, and you know that it is the time to face your fears; fear of inexperience, fear of fatigue, fear of the pain to come, fear of the result. No matter the confidence, regardless of the training, the fear creeps up to you. You live in full awareness that anything can happen during the event.

The umpire calls all boats hold. Uncertainty looms over you greater than ever before. And you know that you have to stand up to all that is before you. There is no backing out, there is no turning back. And this is a feeling we have not felt guys, you and I. We've been lying asleep these four years, and its the ripe moment to awaken the spirit of sportsmanship within each of us, that which embodies courage, discipline, fighting spirit, gentlemanliness, perseverance and passion.

"Start within ten seconds…"

The horn sounds.

A trigger sends an instantaneous surge of adrenaline into your very being. Everything becomes heightened. Your paddle hungrily digs into the water, and you give a powerful pull, your arm punching down with every ounce of might you can muster. The winds and the water suddenly become transient, and your entire being is thrown into the race.

Now it is just you, your boat. The finish line is no where in sight. You focus on the buoys, on going straight. Your every stroke is the culmination of strength, grit. It is a race of not only muscular endurance, power or stroke.

It is a race of determination.

You fight on. The pain begins to set in, even as your breathing has gotten from heavy inhalations to a furious struggle. You concentrate on keeping your composure. You know that a compromise on your stroke, on your frequency, on your power per stroke, may cost that goal you were striving so hard for.

Your vision condenses with the passing of each buoy. The pain now gnaws at your muscles. You know that not giving your all may cost you that goal. Relentlessly you force yourself to continue, in spite of the escalating fatigue.

You realise that this race is not only about the now. It is about everything that you've done thus far, all the trainings you went for, all the exercises you did, all the times you rowed, all the pain you went through, all the joy, the struggles, the times when personal bests drove you to exhilaration, the times when tiredness drove you to your very limits. You have somehow subtly known and acknowledged it all along, all that you've put into this race. Your hard work, your laughter, your smiles, your blood, your sweat, your tears.

All these things have culminated to a single event. And right at the moment where you are feeling the most drained and tired, this gives you hope.

You realise that you are no longer rowing for yourself, or that goal. You are rowing for God, for his Glory, for the School, for all the team mates who you love and share the same passion for canoeing with. They've placed their faith in you. This hope surges through you, more powerful than any adrenaline, it causes you to forge forward.

At this time, the pain is excruciating. Not just your muscles, but your lungs, your mind are in pain.

Burst.

You give your all.

You cross the finishing line, spent, drained. You've given your everything.

And you lost.

But you know one thing: that in your defeat, in your sorrow, in what you've considered shame, has become the avenue through which God's Glory was able to shine through you. You've lost, you've lost to people worthier, people stronger than you. But you know, that you were braver, trusting, patient, persevering, striving. And God's proud of you.

Then Job replied to the Lord:

"I know that you can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my
counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.

You said, ' Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.'
My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes."

Defeated but Joyful in God

Nationals

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
Who has understood the mind of the Lord,
or instructed him as his counselor?
Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him the knowleddge
or showed him the path of understanding?

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the Lord;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth,
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary,
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

The Lord has been gracious. He has seen me through the past four months, grueling as they might have been he has done much for me, and God has really blessed me. It's not as though I worked for whatever I have achieved, but rather God has supplied me with whatever I need, and he has done this for me even though I am least deserving.

He has really pulled Sheng Hao and I through all these tumultuous times. Even when I curse and swear, even when I am too tired to pull my paddle, even when I disregard God's glory and boast of myself (and I've done that many times), even when I so rely on my own strength and leave God out of the picture, God has continued to carry me.

So I want whoever who reads this entry, and as a reminder to myself in the times to come, to know that God is my Provider, my Comforter and my source of Hope. You've done all these things for me Lord, and I know that there's no way I'm going to make it up to you for what you did.

But if there's one thing I want to ask, one thing I seek, is that tomorrow you grant us the strength and the fortitude to row for your Glory and for your Name, so that those who see us row will know that you are God.

For you humble the strong, yet you give grace to the weak.

Trusting and Hopeful

Just for Fun

You Are An ENFP

(*What is that?) The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller! In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart. You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts. At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do. You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

What's Your Personality Type?

Of sketches and models

Picked up serious sketching just a few weeks ago, really thank God for helping me notice that stray 2B pencil again lying on my table, for those inspirational Bleach stills i chanced upon in the manga, nice emotive photos of some Asian starlets (which i drew inspiration from) and perhaps the most important catalyst, Yue Zhen, for her appreciation of my artwork. Gratitudes. Gratitudes. You rock.

Although there are bad times, I'll learn to find joy in you always, a joy that is independent on what i feel, a joy rooted in the hope that its all in control.

Your control.

And couple of days ago some China guy walked up to me at Orchard Road asking for directions: or so i thought initially. Okay. So i've been scouted for modelling. Went for the interview today, rather formal, which later broke into something more chatty, albeit very professional. The guy was pleasant, one tall, presentable Larry. With all the scams that's been on the news and stuff like that, come to think of it, its not a good deal after all.

Now's the time for Nationals and Common Tests. Got my paddle, my kayak and my race to take care of for the time being. And my eyes on you Jesus. I'm going to win this race for you. Give me the strength. Your strength.

Fervent

Okay i have not posted in AGES

ok ok ok ok.

I've got a mountain load of stuff to thank God for really.
Wait a sec. How long has it been since i've posted?
Lets see...

WAH april 17!!!
marcu, you are the bomb.
That is a whopping fifty over days...congrats marcu you are really smart. Or just plain lazy.

Yah haha. That's the word. Plain lazy. Hee hee actually plain lazy is two words.

And my English is deproving.

Now that the semester's finally over, i guess that its really time to look back, to just pause for the moment, reflect, think about things, to bask in a moment's tranquility; perhaps because i know after that the mugging resumes.

And i better thank God for that.



Of course we always begin by thinking and recollecting what good things God does for us, the grades, the parties, the unexpected blessings, the relationships, the happy times, the smiles, the good weather, the peace and quiet, the relaxing moments.

I thank you God for the respite after training, because the water always tastes sweeter when you're thirsty and the sleep is always more tender when you're tired. And i thank God because i have training almost once every two days now. And i thank God that its just 16-18 hrs a week, and not more (haha not trying to be sarcastic).

I thank you God for my grades, whether good or bad, partly because i know that at the end of the day 60% of people in RJC get four As and i'm going to be one of them and ultimately because i know that God has a plan for my life.

I thank you God for carrying me through all the pain and suffering during training, and i know that pain is much bearable with you around, cos you've been through worse, much worse than i ever experienced.

I thank you God for being so forgiving and merciful, because i've been an undeserving, unrepentant jerk.

I thank you God for being my provider, because though other people may think its far-fetched (since i wasn't born in the Sahara or something) that you are the reason i have food to eat, money to spend, clothes to wear and a roof to sleep under each night.

I thank God for all the friendships that i have forged over the past semester, you've been really gracious to me in allowing me to know so many friends, and in deepening the relationships i've had with people. Thanks for people like Sheng Hao, a trusting confidant and buddy, Nelson, a close pal, Matthias Terence Cheng Terence Lee Theo Mark Sam and Gracia who are always there for me, for people like Yue Zhen Serene and Bernice who are understanding and willing to lend a ear, for people like Geng Yu Alex Shawn Ming Quan Ming Xue who add color to the life in school, for people like Mohandass Michael Jerome Kenneth Justin and Eng Kiat who continuously strive on and give encouragement, for people like Eugene Kennedy and Chinks who drive the team onward, for weird people like Sky who may be disgusting but really are nice people, and even for random people whom i don't know and come to me and say stuff such as, "Hey mushroom/marcu/marcus you are that dunno-wad-dunno-wad who did something-and-something, haha nice meeting you!". Thank you Lord for these people. And thank you for the people in my life who are always loving and caring for me, my parents. And I thank God for you too.

At the end of the day, God has a plan for my life, and thats what matters. I'm going to cling on to him with confidence, so that i may win the race which i was called to run. By his strength.


and btw God... Nationals are coming! Jesus help!

Grateful

8/25

I failed my chem test. Yes. i failed miserably.

It's a good thing i didn't study really hard for this test, otherwise it would have made me feel extensively terrible.

And sometimes God allows such things to happen to tell us the message of his grace and his plan for us that hinges no upon the promise of good grades and a blissful life... Definitely not. And God wants us to know that primarily life is not about trivial matters such as grades, but about enjoying God, and glorifying him.

And i went around telling people i failed. Haiyah! Marcus Tan you should be disappointed with yourself man!

Certainly if you keep skipping lectures and failing tests because you didn't study, it obviously doesn't reflect really well about you, and of course, about your relationship with God lah. You seem to have become some naughty, can't-be-bothered immature kid. People look at the physical fruit we produce.

"But God looks at the spiritual fruit, and this, Marcus Tan, is something that you have none of. Really. None. Tell yourself that and drill it into your head, telling God that you want to produce more. For him. For his glory. And go on! Don't just sit there and pray... DO SOMETHING!"

I guess that would be what you would say, Holy Spirit.

Whats more important than any other result in the world would be the result we would hear when the world ends.

"I am sorry. Depart from me. I do not know you."

"You have done well, my good and faithful servant."

Feeling PWNed

And counting...

All my life i've been losing.

Let's see... since i've not been posting so regularly, let us adjourn to the beginning of last week...(or was it the beginning of the week before? Haiz. But for the lack of composure i reckon that whatever time frame being adhered to will be just fine. So if you read just try to chronologically reconstruct the events listed on your own. haha.)

On monday... i lost a book
On tuesday... i lost my way
On wednesday... i lost a date.
On thursday... i lost a cap(that i just bought the week before argh!)
On friday... i lost a medal standing in the biathlon.
(Thank God i didn't lose any angbao money)

So as you can already guess from the above evidence that i can't help but feel lousy this week. Relax. I am not one to dwell over temporal defeats, but. It just is not good being constantly on the losing end.

And i know i've been a bad kid, Lord. I've been treating people badly, i've not been doing my QT, i've been living life with the wrong attitude. I need to rely on you totally. I need your strength. I want to have a Godly attitude. And i guess what ultimately matters is that i'll rely on your strength to take me wherever you want me to go from now on. No regrets, since i'm nested upon your shoulders.

And i must remember to count my blessings. Agreed!

Lost

K

I love Ks. I really do. And i still do.
Oh, the K, why are you so harsh towards me. When i sit inside you, i feel so pro. Then when i push off and cap, i feel so pathetic. K, tell me why... oh tell me why i still love you so. Even after you so mercilessly rejected me, time and time again. Oh my beloved K... i can only watch you and your prowess from a distance. I feel so... so neglected.

Aiyah. Basically i'm just incompetent, cannot even row off the pontoon steadily after 3 sessions with the K1. Haiz. I am not really depressed, and i still thank God that despite all the cappings i have not overtaken the 18 cap record yet (sorry Bern...>.<), but considering that my sessions have been brief, i guess that record should be surpassed easily anytime in the short-termed future (face the facts Marcu...>.<). Oh thank God again that i'm in senior team. Go Raffles Row! Holy Spirit, please ensure that i will not feel arrogant because of this status. May i humble myself. I felt so bad asking Justin to shut up during training, just because he was trying to be funny while we were doing pull ups. I was seriously out of my mind. Gentleness is a Fruit of the Spirit. Gentle. Yes. Must be more gentle... Oh Father in Heaven, you are always so gentle towards me. When you hold me in your hand, i feel safe. Even when i am down, i know that you are carrying me upon your shoulders. God, tell me why...oh tell me why that despite all my inequities you still love me so. Even after i so mercilessly treated you, even when i did not take my salvation seriously, you forgave me, time and time again. Oh my beloved Jesus...i was so far from you and yet you gave me the chance to be reconciled to you through your own blood, in which you used to purchase me from my life of sin. I am able to walk righteously by faith from then on. I feel so... so blessed.

Blessed

Gracious

Oh, how long has it been since the last post... three billion years?

God has been gracious to me all this while even though i didn't do anything deserving. And to a certain extent, i do feel that elusive embarrassment surging through, especially when i know there's nothing i can do. He desires a relationship with his children, and i guess that's what i want to work on.

So what trouble did God rescue me from today? Let's see:
1) Prevented me from sleeping through all my lectures and tutorials (even after sleeping a mere 4 hours)
2) Saved me from the lethal parabola of an overhead baseball
3) Saved my face from this baseball that coincidentally whisked pass me.
So does this mean that i have a feud with Softball? Of course not. Impossible.

Anyway, thank God for keeping me safe and healthy throughout all the helter-skelter of RJ life and the burdens of the week. Thank God that sickness was far from me even though i felt the weight of fatigue and mental exhaustion. Really God, you've been gracious.

Really Gracious.

Woah.