Nadir

I cry out to the Lord with my voice; with my voice to the Lord I make my supplication.
I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare before Him my trouble.
When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then You knew my path. In the way in which i walk they have secretly set a snare for me.
Look on my right hand and see, for there is no one who acknowledges me; refuge has failed me; no one cares for my soul.
I cried out to You, O Lord; I said, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.
Attend to my cry, for I am brought very low; deliver me from my persecutors, for they are stronger than I.
Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise Your name; the righteous shall surround me for You shall deal bountifully with me."

- Psalm 142

People find it easy to thank God whenever good things happen to them. Even when unfortunate things happen, people will still find it imperative that despite the problems God is still there for them, that it's still worth being grateful for.

It's not as though my life has been ruined. It's just that under the present circumstances life is not proceeding the way I want it to proceed. Is that in any respect, a demerit, or a suffering on my part? God forbid that i should continually perceive it in that way. Rather i thank You, God, for it has been in my troubles, it has been in my numerous thoughts, it has been in my heartfelt confessions that i discover that actually i have numerous friends and my family around me who truly are concerned, who truly care, the same people who i have taken for granted, the same people i have neglected, in my own selfish pursuit of how i want my life to be. In this process, i have cast you aside as well.

I'm sorry Lord. I'm sorry buddies, I'm sorry pals, I'm sorry my friends. I have let you down. Please forgive me.

I'm not thanking you for my misery God. This misery within my heart that surfaces now and then, that tugs on my heartstrings thus hard and painfully. But I do thank you for the realization of the better things, even as i come face to face with my troubles.

Have been accompanied by headaches the past few days. Try my best to bear with the pain, even though it was excruciating, especially since I had much jawbone and cranium movement following Gengyu and Alex's jokes. You guys may be full of shit, but I thank God that under that facade of laughs and teases, you are actually good friends who know when to cheer me up, when to be tactful. But Alex, you are still full of shit.

Studies are a worry. I told myself to concentrate and fight again for my academics. With all the emotional and mental tumult, along with the physical exhaustion from staying up late from Othello rehearsals, slaving out in the gym, cardio in the pool, I have no idea how I'm even going to pull through. Help God. Econs, Chemistry, Project Work, Math, Biology. God, i am at a lost.

A few days back two people i hardly know come to me and threaten me with physical harm and provoke me emotionally with death. You know who you are, and God knows. I do not know what I have done to deserve this. Indeed i have done nothing. And still you treat me unfairly as such, and harshly too. Why? Are you out of your mind? Do you not have other things to tend to? On what pretext do you detest me? Because you wrongly accused me of wronging your friend? Because i am a canoeist? I do not know. Neither do you owe me an explanation. May God deal with you as he pleases.

Today i was pondering over a relationship which i think cannot be salvaged. I just wanted us to be good friends, but for some reason I am but a sheet of transparent glass? Are you really thinking that way? Am i being overly sensitive? I have no idea, but by the look of things and by the status of matters, I am forced to reach this uninviting, unpleasant conclusion, a conclusion which, given a choice, i do not want to make. Shall i even talk to you about this? Perhaps you may think we even have nothing to talk about. Indeed. A person like myself will not have anything worth talking about.

I feel miserable. Yet God i thank you for being there for me. I know that even if the world falls and every other support collapses, even when my friends and family fail me, you'll be there. In good times and bad. Thank you.
You don't have to reaffirm me about this, because I know. I do sound really emo.

Downtrodden

What shall i say ...

Let me be that friend to laugh with when you're happy, to talk to when you're down, that shoulder you can always lean on.

I really hope you're reading this.

The first time you stepped into the class, I did not even notice. Perhaps the first time we properly met, was when the class elected their GP rep. We exchanged few words.

We gradually got to talk, and talking to you was like talking to a long lost friend. I never felt happier talking to any other girl before.

And I realised one weekend that I liked you.

I was so relieved to see you again on Monday.

Going to school would have more meaning.

And so I told you what I felt.

ARGH I know this is sounding really dramatic and emo.

And it's been a while.



Having supper with you the other day reinforced in me the thought that I don't have to hold your hand, go out on dates with you or whisper you sweet nothings to be happy. I am more than content just being your friend.

I can't read your mind. I no longer understand how you're perceiving things now. But I do know, that I don't want you to be feeling uncomfortable about this thing any longer. I really just hope that we'll just be great friends from now on, friends who will be able to talk about anything, friends who can laugh cry joke (and eat supper) together. Please don't resent me or feel awkward, because you don't have to.

I want you to know that.

And I really thank God for a friend like you.

I'm Trying not to be

Fearless

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

- 2 Timothy 4:7

You leave the pontoon, with the rest of your teammates cheering you on. You know they have high hopes on you. Your heart beats erratically with the flurry of emotions surging through you; you tell yourself not to be anxious, not to be afraid, not to feel challenged, you earnestly remind yourself over and over again.

The sky is the least inviting, the water is choppy, and the wind is strong. Yet these are not the least on your mind. Your mind is on the race to come. It is the race, which you have prepared so long and so hard for. The wind caresses your arm, and you feel the droplets land sparsely on yourself, as the paddle surges through the water, and up, recover, through the water, up, recover...

It's your turn, as you slow down. You prepare to enter your lane, your heart beating harder than before. You know you are part of it, and you know that it is the time to face your fears; fear of inexperience, fear of fatigue, fear of the pain to come, fear of the result. No matter the confidence, regardless of the training, the fear creeps up to you. You live in full awareness that anything can happen during the event.

The umpire calls all boats hold. Uncertainty looms over you greater than ever before. And you know that you have to stand up to all that is before you. There is no backing out, there is no turning back. And this is a feeling we have not felt guys, you and I. We've been lying asleep these four years, and its the ripe moment to awaken the spirit of sportsmanship within each of us, that which embodies courage, discipline, fighting spirit, gentlemanliness, perseverance and passion.

"Start within ten seconds…"

The horn sounds.

A trigger sends an instantaneous surge of adrenaline into your very being. Everything becomes heightened. Your paddle hungrily digs into the water, and you give a powerful pull, your arm punching down with every ounce of might you can muster. The winds and the water suddenly become transient, and your entire being is thrown into the race.

Now it is just you, your boat. The finish line is no where in sight. You focus on the buoys, on going straight. Your every stroke is the culmination of strength, grit. It is a race of not only muscular endurance, power or stroke.

It is a race of determination.

You fight on. The pain begins to set in, even as your breathing has gotten from heavy inhalations to a furious struggle. You concentrate on keeping your composure. You know that a compromise on your stroke, on your frequency, on your power per stroke, may cost that goal you were striving so hard for.

Your vision condenses with the passing of each buoy. The pain now gnaws at your muscles. You know that not giving your all may cost you that goal. Relentlessly you force yourself to continue, in spite of the escalating fatigue.

You realise that this race is not only about the now. It is about everything that you've done thus far, all the trainings you went for, all the exercises you did, all the times you rowed, all the pain you went through, all the joy, the struggles, the times when personal bests drove you to exhilaration, the times when tiredness drove you to your very limits. You have somehow subtly known and acknowledged it all along, all that you've put into this race. Your hard work, your laughter, your smiles, your blood, your sweat, your tears.

All these things have culminated to a single event. And right at the moment where you are feeling the most drained and tired, this gives you hope.

You realise that you are no longer rowing for yourself, or that goal. You are rowing for God, for his Glory, for the School, for all the team mates who you love and share the same passion for canoeing with. They've placed their faith in you. This hope surges through you, more powerful than any adrenaline, it causes you to forge forward.

At this time, the pain is excruciating. Not just your muscles, but your lungs, your mind are in pain.

Burst.

You give your all.

You cross the finishing line, spent, drained. You've given your everything.

And you lost.

But you know one thing: that in your defeat, in your sorrow, in what you've considered shame, has become the avenue through which God's Glory was able to shine through you. You've lost, you've lost to people worthier, people stronger than you. But you know, that you were braver, trusting, patient, persevering, striving. And God's proud of you.

Then Job replied to the Lord:

"I know that you can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my
counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.

You said, ' Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.'
My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes."

Defeated but Joyful in God

Nationals

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
Who has understood the mind of the Lord,
or instructed him as his counselor?
Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him the knowleddge
or showed him the path of understanding?

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the Lord;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth,
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary,
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

The Lord has been gracious. He has seen me through the past four months, grueling as they might have been he has done much for me, and God has really blessed me. It's not as though I worked for whatever I have achieved, but rather God has supplied me with whatever I need, and he has done this for me even though I am least deserving.

He has really pulled Sheng Hao and I through all these tumultuous times. Even when I curse and swear, even when I am too tired to pull my paddle, even when I disregard God's glory and boast of myself (and I've done that many times), even when I so rely on my own strength and leave God out of the picture, God has continued to carry me.

So I want whoever who reads this entry, and as a reminder to myself in the times to come, to know that God is my Provider, my Comforter and my source of Hope. You've done all these things for me Lord, and I know that there's no way I'm going to make it up to you for what you did.

But if there's one thing I want to ask, one thing I seek, is that tomorrow you grant us the strength and the fortitude to row for your Glory and for your Name, so that those who see us row will know that you are God.

For you humble the strong, yet you give grace to the weak.

Trusting and Hopeful