8/25

I failed my chem test. Yes. i failed miserably.

It's a good thing i didn't study really hard for this test, otherwise it would have made me feel extensively terrible.

And sometimes God allows such things to happen to tell us the message of his grace and his plan for us that hinges no upon the promise of good grades and a blissful life... Definitely not. And God wants us to know that primarily life is not about trivial matters such as grades, but about enjoying God, and glorifying him.

And i went around telling people i failed. Haiyah! Marcus Tan you should be disappointed with yourself man!

Certainly if you keep skipping lectures and failing tests because you didn't study, it obviously doesn't reflect really well about you, and of course, about your relationship with God lah. You seem to have become some naughty, can't-be-bothered immature kid. People look at the physical fruit we produce.

"But God looks at the spiritual fruit, and this, Marcus Tan, is something that you have none of. Really. None. Tell yourself that and drill it into your head, telling God that you want to produce more. For him. For his glory. And go on! Don't just sit there and pray... DO SOMETHING!"

I guess that would be what you would say, Holy Spirit.

Whats more important than any other result in the world would be the result we would hear when the world ends.

"I am sorry. Depart from me. I do not know you."

"You have done well, my good and faithful servant."

Feeling PWNed

And counting...

All my life i've been losing.

Let's see... since i've not been posting so regularly, let us adjourn to the beginning of last week...(or was it the beginning of the week before? Haiz. But for the lack of composure i reckon that whatever time frame being adhered to will be just fine. So if you read just try to chronologically reconstruct the events listed on your own. haha.)

On monday... i lost a book
On tuesday... i lost my way
On wednesday... i lost a date.
On thursday... i lost a cap(that i just bought the week before argh!)
On friday... i lost a medal standing in the biathlon.
(Thank God i didn't lose any angbao money)

So as you can already guess from the above evidence that i can't help but feel lousy this week. Relax. I am not one to dwell over temporal defeats, but. It just is not good being constantly on the losing end.

And i know i've been a bad kid, Lord. I've been treating people badly, i've not been doing my QT, i've been living life with the wrong attitude. I need to rely on you totally. I need your strength. I want to have a Godly attitude. And i guess what ultimately matters is that i'll rely on your strength to take me wherever you want me to go from now on. No regrets, since i'm nested upon your shoulders.

And i must remember to count my blessings. Agreed!

Lost

K

I love Ks. I really do. And i still do.
Oh, the K, why are you so harsh towards me. When i sit inside you, i feel so pro. Then when i push off and cap, i feel so pathetic. K, tell me why... oh tell me why i still love you so. Even after you so mercilessly rejected me, time and time again. Oh my beloved K... i can only watch you and your prowess from a distance. I feel so... so neglected.

Aiyah. Basically i'm just incompetent, cannot even row off the pontoon steadily after 3 sessions with the K1. Haiz. I am not really depressed, and i still thank God that despite all the cappings i have not overtaken the 18 cap record yet (sorry Bern...>.<), but considering that my sessions have been brief, i guess that record should be surpassed easily anytime in the short-termed future (face the facts Marcu...>.<). Oh thank God again that i'm in senior team. Go Raffles Row! Holy Spirit, please ensure that i will not feel arrogant because of this status. May i humble myself. I felt so bad asking Justin to shut up during training, just because he was trying to be funny while we were doing pull ups. I was seriously out of my mind. Gentleness is a Fruit of the Spirit. Gentle. Yes. Must be more gentle... Oh Father in Heaven, you are always so gentle towards me. When you hold me in your hand, i feel safe. Even when i am down, i know that you are carrying me upon your shoulders. God, tell me why...oh tell me why that despite all my inequities you still love me so. Even after i so mercilessly treated you, even when i did not take my salvation seriously, you forgave me, time and time again. Oh my beloved Jesus...i was so far from you and yet you gave me the chance to be reconciled to you through your own blood, in which you used to purchase me from my life of sin. I am able to walk righteously by faith from then on. I feel so... so blessed.

Blessed

Gracious

Oh, how long has it been since the last post... three billion years?

God has been gracious to me all this while even though i didn't do anything deserving. And to a certain extent, i do feel that elusive embarrassment surging through, especially when i know there's nothing i can do. He desires a relationship with his children, and i guess that's what i want to work on.

So what trouble did God rescue me from today? Let's see:
1) Prevented me from sleeping through all my lectures and tutorials (even after sleeping a mere 4 hours)
2) Saved me from the lethal parabola of an overhead baseball
3) Saved my face from this baseball that coincidentally whisked pass me.
So does this mean that i have a feud with Softball? Of course not. Impossible.

Anyway, thank God for keeping me safe and healthy throughout all the helter-skelter of RJ life and the burdens of the week. Thank God that sickness was far from me even though i felt the weight of fatigue and mental exhaustion. Really God, you've been gracious.

Really Gracious.

Woah.

The Lord Sustains

"For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb." - Psalm 139:13

I am an easily worried, typical teenager; as much as i would like to claim to be in control of my life, i have found it very difficult, to keep up with commitments, relationships, education, and many times i forget what is important in life. What is dear may not be whatever is desired at the moment, whatever feels good may be detrimental, the transient is but fleeting.

But God, you really got a plan for me man. I don't know exactly what it is, and neither in my ignorance will i be able to have the ability to discern what plans you have for me. But i do know that they are good plans. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future.

And so i just pray for your providence, for your strength to be able to discern what you want me to do, so that the glory may be yours. May my words not be empty, but hold me accountable, so that i may cling steadfastly to your promise till the day you return.

Worried but Trusting